Kylah Bean'sTalk

Going into motherhood its unavoidable to plan ahead about how things will be when your sweet bundle of joy arrives. Whether it is how they come into the world, how you raise them, how you will spend the first few days, or how you will feed them. My plan was always to breastfeed Kylah. I'm going to be honest, I didn't do my research on why it was best, I just knew it was and that was enough of a reason for me. There were added bonuses of it being free and helping lose weight, but the main driver was its the best that I could provide for Kylah. I wasn't completely naive, I knew it was hard, and a lot of work, but I had no idea of the battle I was up against. I thought my biggest hurdle would be lack of sleep, while that was definitely hard to deal with, it was just a minor hurdle in this year long journey.

The Beginning of the End (or so I thought)
Kylah was born perfectly health at 6lbs15oz and absolutely perfect. We worked with a lactation consultant at the hospital and had no problems latching. There were some initial concerns about her not having a wet diaper as we were reaching the first 24hrs, but once she passed that hurdle, I thought we were in the clear. We were feeding regularly, for an adequate length of time, and we were getting the hang of it. Fast forward to the day of discharge. We used the hospital pediatrician and prior to discharge, he goes over his discharge notes with the parents. Kris had taken the bags to the car, so I was alone in the room when he stopped by. He went over some basic care instructions and then the big scare came in. Kylah was jaundiced. She had lost almost 10% of her birth weight, and we were an ounce away from having to stay an additional day. WHAT? Being a first time mom, I freaked. I thought I was failing. It was obviously my fault. We were asked to feed and then supplement with formula. And immediately schedule a follow-up appointment with our family pediatrician. No problem, that was already scheduled. And while my plan was to exclusively breastfeed Kylah, I had no problems supplementing feedings as I knew it was a temporary obstacle. So I went home with my brand new baby, completely freaked out and worried about her health and we began feeding and supplementing every feeding. I had no idea how much she was really getting and I started to obsess over it. I just wanted her to be healthy. The next day she started to completely refuse to latch on one side and I cried. What was I doing wrong, I was failing. Let's just say after you give birth your hormones are all out of whack and you become a complete nut-job. Yep, that was me. A paranoid first time mom nutjob who thought I was starving my kid. Silly, right? Our first visit to our family pediatrician was a lifesaver, he suggested pumping as a way to know how much I was feeding her. I don't think he actually realized what journey that was going to lead me down, but we left that appointment and immediately went and bought a pump. I had plans to purchase one anyways prior to going back to work, but we were just delaying the cost as much as possible. I came home and my love/hate relationship with a loud, bulky, and annoying piece of equipment began.

A Learning Process
I had NO idea what I was doing. My original plan was to just pump and continue to try and work on latching her and eventually drop the pump. That caused me more stress, I had no idea how much she got form me and then when I pumped I got so little, I stressed over her getting enough. I decided at least until my fears of jaundice subsided, I'd just pump. I figured in theory, I'd just pump whenever Kylah would eat and that would be enough. And that I'd automatically get the right amount. That I'd pump for 15minutes and that's it. Hah! Boy was I wrong. But that's what I started doing. 15minutes every time Kylah ate (although sometimes I skipped it, thinking no big deal). She was small enough that what I got was enough. I started to have excess, not much, but it was progress. I thought I was doing it "right". A week before I went back to work Kylah hit a growth spurt and wiped out any excess I had. I was down to my last bottle. I was freaking because it was clear I wasn't getting enough to keep up. Then one day I was able to save a whole bottle and that trend kept up. We passed our first supply hurdle. I went back to work and lugged the pump to and from work and pumped there and got home and pumped at home, pumped before bed, woke up early and pumped then. My life was revolved around pumping. I still wasn't sure of what I was doing but it was becoming more of a habit now. I then stumbled upon an awesome online community support group of people doing the exact same thing. Exclusively pumping. I now had a name. I was an EPer. These women were far more experience than I, and I learned a lot. Basically that I had been doing a LOT of things wrong. I wasn't pumping enough and I wasn't pumping long enough. Another mommy fail. I altered what I could and started reading more and more on this subject.

Tied to the Pump
Basically for the first 12 weeks you should be pumping at least 8-12 times a day for at least 20 minutes. I was barely getting in 7 (more like 6) and for 15 minutes. No wonder I was barely keeping up. Add that to the fact that it was summer time, I wanted to get out and do things on the weekend, but if I had to pump every 2-3hrs, that didn't give me much time to be away from home. I know Kris was getting tired of me saying we couldn't do this or that because I had to pump. He was very supportive, but I knew he didn't understand the reasons behind it. I started pumping more often and I extended my pump times to 30 minutes.

Milestones and Hurdles and Setbacks
12 weeks/3 months. That was my first goal. I felt it took a lifetime to make it to July 26th. But I made it and I was uber proud of myself for sticking with it. I was starting to be able to freeze a bottle a day so things were looking up. Then a hurricane rolls in. We lost power. I pumped by battery, but without power I knew the stuff in the fridge and freezer would go bad quickly. The fridge was only opened to feed Kylah. The next morning almost the whole town was out of power and ice was a commodity. Kris went out really early on an ice hunt and came back with something better, dry ice! We filled the cooler with the milk that was in the fridge and the dry ice. We kept the freezer shut tight so I knew the frozen milk would last a little while longer if unopened. I hoped the power would come back on soon. It didn't, but an awesome friend got power and lent me freezer space! We finally got power back and I didn't lose any of my precious hard work. I soon began to hate the pump. I felt I spent more and more time attached to the pump and my baby was growing up in front of me. I wanted to quit every. single. day. But I just kept going. It became a fire inside of me that I would make it for a full year. But I cried a lot. I came home from being gone for 12hrs for work and I pumped, got to hold and interact with Kylah for maybe 30 minutes and she was in bed, then I had to sit up for another couple hours to do my last pump before bed and it was just becoming way too overwhelming. I knew something had to give. I decided to drop a pump in favor of sanity. I found a renewed energy and dedication and set my sights on a new goal - 6months.

A Winter Full of Sick
I made it to 6months. It was becoming a habit, or just a daily occurrence, just something that I did/had to do every day. Nothing more, nothing less. I was still able to freeze about a bottle every day or two so worries of supply were dwindling. Then I get sick. Let me preface this by saying I hardly EVER get sick. A sinus infection or two a year is the most I deal with. I thought I was just coming down with a sinus infection, but then it felt more like strept. I carried myself to the doctor and while it wasn't strept, it was just a nasty infection, but nothing serious. I woke up the next morning with my eyes completely swollen shut and my throat even more sore than before and it was the weekend. I suffered through but I basically didn't eat for 72 hours and barely drank. I pumped as much as I could bring myself to do it, but by the time I was feeling better my supply had already taken a hit since I had not eaten or stayed hydrated for several days. I was determined to bring it back and it took weeks of hard work and extra pumps but I was making enough to sustain Kylah again (thank goodness for a freezer stash). The holidays came and went and I woke up on New Years Day feeling miserable. By the time I made it to the doctor a couple days later I was so weak. I had mono. What? Yep. Well again, I was barely eating and drinking because my throat was SO infected/swollen that it hurt too bad. Supply hit! It TANKED. BAD! I barely pumped because I had zero! energy. By the time I was feeling better there was no coming back. I had to start supplementing a bottle a day of formula. I was so worn out I wasn't sure I wanted to continue. Thanks to the wonderfully supportive online community I found earlier in my journey, I forged on. I also knew I needed something to help bring back my supply. I ordered domperidone. Yep. I ordered medicine off the internet from a foreign country. I was desperate. I became more and more determined to make it to a year. I could do this. I was hellbent on not giving up. And I kept on. I made it to 9 months and slowly the medicine brought back my supply some, enough to feed Kylah. I was in the homestretch. I was counting down in weeks instead of months, I could see the goal in sight. I daydreamed of all the free time I'd have when I no longer had to pump. I decided to drop another pump to 4x a day. 9 weeks were left. Welcome stomach flu. Seriously?! Can I catch a freaking break?! I couldn't eat or keep anything down for 48hours. I didn't pump for 24hrs straight. Hello supply tank - AGAIN. I almost quit, again. I almost gave up. But the finish line was still there, I could see it. I upped the meds and kept on pumpin'. literally. I dropped to 3 pumps a day instead of quitting. It was April. Almost there. The countdown was on. I counted up how much I had frozen, how much I had fresh, what she took a day, and what I pumped a day and determined the date I could stop. It was 2 weeks before her first birthday. Each day that passed was another check on the calendar closer to that date. It came, and I made it! I had enough to make to her first birthday. I did it. I stopped the meds and cut back on pumping, and in 4 days I was done. Never looking back.

Looking Back, a Year of Emotions
It was bittersweet. My baby was growing up, but I was done tied to that machine. I made it. It was literally the hardest thing I have EVER done in my whole life. Childbirth was a piece of cake compared to exclusively pumping for an entire year. I learned to juggle pumping and feeding a newborn at the same time. Playing with a newborn and pumping, pumping and driving, pumping at work, pumping at the kitchen table, for the past year my days revolved around the pump. I hated that thing, but I loved it too. It provided me with a way to provide the best possible nutrition for my sweet baby when the traditional ways didn't work out. Was it hard work? YES. But was it worth it? an even more resounding YES. Do I feel like I missed out? Of course, I feel I missed some bonding that occurs when you breastfeed, I feel like I spent a lot of time with the pump that I could have spent with Kylah, but I know it was worth it. But I realize that's part of being a mother, you will always question your decisions and whether they were the right ones. I know this was. I also know that I want to bash my pump with a baseball bat Office Space style. I'm gangsta like that. As much as I'm glad my journey with the pump is over, I still have yet to bring myself to pack it away. It still sits in its home on the living room floor beside the sofa and coffee table, still plugged in. One day. Now where did I put that baseball bat??

What my fridge looked like for a year....

the last of the fridge stash (still some frozen left)

Birthday Girl trying cow's milk!

This is NOT as good as my mommy's milk!

I want to thank Kris for his neverending support. He washed more bottles and pump parts than I could fathom, he woke up with Kylah when I had to get up early and pump, and he supported me when I wanted to quit and encouraged me when I wanted to keep going. I also could not have made it a year without the fabulous group of ladies I met online in one of the most awesome support communities ever! Thank you!